there's about a metric dickton of snow on the ground outside. I've been snowed into my house for two days. I hate it. I'm so bored.
and it leaves me alone with my thoughts. I don't like it. for example:
I... smoke. I probably shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I feel bad when I do. I just... don't really have any desire to quit.
and
OH GOD i think i like him he probably finds me really annoying i should just leave him alone but i want to talk to him so much ahhhhhh
and
I need some more goddamn music. I feel like I've been listening to the same thing for about a hundred years.

I feel like I've been dropped into The Shining, I swear.

I've been feeling really out of place lately. I don't seem to fit anywhere. Which is upsetting, because I thought when I got into theatre that I was done with feeling misplaced.
some little things still manage to make me smile, though. like my actors. directing makes me happy. the way our theatre smells makes me happy.
lead actors calling me late at night just to talk about costumes
makes me happy.
being so frustrated with one *ahem* adult that I just want to scream bloody murder
and knowing that I'm surrounded by dozens of people in the very same situation makes me happy,
in a misery-loves-company sort of way.
poetry makes me happy. listening to it, watching it, reading it. unfortunately, I'm going through a spell
and can't seem to write it.

I am going to therapy. I feel comfortable saying that here because I only know of two or three people who read this
and I would tell all of you anyway.
I think I need it. probably do.
but I am terrified.
it's
because of donnie darko, I swear. I don't want to start taking pills that make me hallucinate evil bunnies and travel
through time.
I don't want to take something that
makes me a different person, something that controls
all of my emotions. considering what I want to do with my
life, what I love doing, that would be
something akin to death itself.
but I know I'm not supposed to
feel terrible all the
time. right?

I feel like xanga sees the worst side of me all the time.
maybe I'm just being myself.